This is a story of how I let go of my lifelong fear of making mistakes or the feeling of being wrong as I am. And believe me, it was a very long way to get there. Maybe you will recognise some of it and I hope I can help you understand yourself better.
Here is my story:
A hurricane of emotions hit me. It was the fear that I might have done a mistake. In the past, I would have avoided this painful feeling by escaping into binge-watching a movie or series, eating, social media scrolling, online shopping, you name it.
But not this time. Instead, I sat down to meditate and faced this painful feeling. Because I had learned repeatedly that the current situation did not cause this feeling. This situation triggered a deep fear in me. A fear that I have been carrying in me all my life. A fear that had been triggered countless times.
While meditating I traced when and where my fear started. I followed my memories where I had the same feeling as if I had done a mistake. In my head I was on a journey back in time, going from memory to memory, going deeper and deeper.
I arrived at a time before I was born. And the second wave of heavy emotions hit me and with it a realisation.
The original fear was not that I do mistakes but that I am a mistake.
The full impact of this original fear dawned on me. All the fears that where related became distinct.
Related were two main feelings that I name here. There were many more but I leave that to your imaginations or your own experience:
- I am too emotional; I shouldn’t be emotional; Other people are annoyed with me when I show emotions and that is a mistake. Result: be cool, pretend everything is okay, just don’t show emotions.
- I am not okay the way I am; I am not allowed to be the way I am; I am not allowed to feel the way I feel; other people are annoyed about me or the way I am and that is a mistake. Result: be perfect, please everyone, just don’t be yourself.
It felt to me as if being me or feeling like me or just being was proof that I am a mistake. It felt as if I wasn’t allowed to feel or to be because I shouldn’t have existed.
There it was, the original pain: I shouldn’t have existed. I shouldn’t be.
The mistake was that I existed.
And from this knowing, that I somehow subconsciously perceived or rather received this message from the outside, I created the belief: I shouldn’t exist and therefore I am a mistake. And if I shouldn’t even exist, then I shouldn’t feel or be. My being is a mistake. Everything about me is a mistake.
I spend my life trying not to make mistakes and of course, made plenty. Every time I made a mistake, every time I couldn’t control my emotions (the more I tried to control them, the stronger was the emotional outburst), I resented myself. Because every mistake was proof that I am a mistake. That my being is a mistake. Proof that I shouldn’t exist, I was wrong, everything about me was wrong.
Finally, it all made sense
Through this realisation, I understood why I felt triggered when I perceived something as a mistake, or as a criticism from someone else, or when someone wasn’t pleased with me. Or god forbid when someone didn’t like me!
Confrontation was hell! I did everything to avoid any form of confrontation. I would run as fast as I can. If I couldn’t I would just freeze and my tongue would knot together and my brain would get foggy, incoherent and confused.
All because I believed I was a mistake.
I believed that being me was not okay! That being me was bothering others! That I needed to hide who I am and how I am! WTF!
And I didn’t question any of it. I didn’t consider that how others are doesn’t bother me (as long as I was accepted too, but god forbid someone questioned me and all hell broke loose. Guess why?).
I didn’t consider that when someone was intimated by me that I was trying to make them feel comfortable with my presence (at my expense).
All scenarios where I wasn’t loved, liked, accepted, respected etc. were proof that I was a mistake. All of this happened subconsciously. I wasn’t aware that I was telling myself this story and looking for proof in everyone and everything.
But that wasn’t all. While one side was trying to avoid mistakes because making them was proof that I was a mistake, another side of me was doing everything it can to sabotage myself. Crazy right?
My inner self-saboteur was doing everything to prove that I don’t deserve love and happiness. Why?
Well, since when does a mistake deserve love and happiness?
Every time either or both would appear on my horizon ready to take over, my subconscious program would should: “No! I don’t deserve love and happiness! That is not in align with my belief that I am a mistake. Access denied!”
And it would get immediately at work to destroy both possibilities. With huge success!
And again, I wasn’t aware that I was self-sabotaging myself, all with the result that I had once again proved that I was a mistake.
I am proud of myself that I found the courage to sit down in meditation and faced my fear that followed me through life like a shadow.
Figuring this fear out was such a relief. I finally let go of this belief that I unconsciously created in my mother’s womb.
Can you imagine how much pressure it was trying to avoid mistakes and continuously failing?
How did I let it all go? I am the reason
This might sound trivial but I had enough! I was fed up with feeling like that.
Now that I understood how I created that belief I was able to accept that it was there for a reason. I didn’t let it go with all butterflies swirling around. I was fucking angry. It was the right kind of anger. Before I felt powerless and numb. Anger fired up my power and agency to take my life back into my own hands. Instead of being run by a subconscious program that I created in the past I took responsibility for my life and how I felt.
I am the reason that I no longer wanted to believe that I am a mistake. I am the reason that this belief is simply not true. Why?
Because when I look back I remember so many amazing things that I experienced that are worth living for. That is no mistake! I met so many amazing people who love or loved me. That is no mistake! My family loves me and I know that having me is just so good for them, there is certainly no mistake. I am a gift to the people around me. Why? Because they are a gift to me too. Even those that triggered, annoyed and upset me in the past. Sounds cheesy and I mean it. But only since I know what I know now.
It brings me joy to make people smile! As much as it energises me as an introvert to be alone it also energise me to be able to help and support others. How on earth could that be a mistake?
I didn’t get there without working on myself though. You probably heard this before: Therapists study therapy because they need it first. I did loads of therapy as a client to break all sorts of patterns, self-created or inherited from my family. I trained in techniques I found useful as a client. Being able to face my fears and figure out how they started didn’t happen in an instant. It was a lot of work and also the reason that I became a therapist. Because I was there. I knew how it felt. And I found the courage to walk through that dark scary tunnel and came out on the other side. And I share my experience to support others, maybe you who is reading this. I assume that I am not the only one to experience similar feelings and thoughts.
Every time I broke a pattern or arrived at the end of the tunnel, I did it for myself and for others because the work I do on myself has an impact on the quantum field in which we all live.
Think of the butterfly effect. Love creates love.
Conclusion
Before I was born there was a time when I wasn’t wanted but already on the way to materialise as a human being. I just hadn’t made the connection between that time and my fears until I finally did.
Even though this is a rather sad story, I am grateful that I finally understand the origin of my fears. Some people might say that it’s not worth to dig in the past. But as much as I am feeling person, I am also a logical person and can’t stop till I figured myself out.
Once I understand the origin, I can let go. Thank you to everyone who kept triggering me. You’ve done a superb job!
As a side note, I know that many things I name here feelings are thoughts but since I write from my experience as a feeling person I prefer to refer to feelings here. Thank you!
If you like this piece of my personal experience I would be thrilled to receive claps or followers, especially since it’s my first publication where I share a very personal story.
If you like to know more about me and my work, please visit my website www.yoursoul.guide
This article has no intention to be perfect. It is authentic. I wrote in one go without second-guessing whether everyone might like it or not.
I am proud that I did it because there is no mistake.